This is what a feminist writes like:

If you've read my lists, you'll already know that 'Pump up the Volume' is one of my favourite movies.

It stuck me a little earlier that if that movie was made today, the medium for freedom of speech/youthful defiance would be blogging instead of radio.

Yep, that's all I have to say today. Aren't you glad you dropped by?

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I was talking to a friend of mine last night, and I mentioned how annoying it was to operate on not-enough sleep. She was very sympathetic, saying that she has enough trouble now if she doesn't sleep, she couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to take care of kids when feeling that way.

It made me realize something very odd: The actual taking care of kids is not the hard part of sleep deprivation. Sure, it's no picnic trying to meet the needs of both of them in a timely manner, but so much of childcare has become automatic now ('instinct' in some people's books) that I can fumble my way through a good part of my day without having to think about it.

No, the hard part is the guilt. It's hard to know that I am not always doing the job I would like to be doing. I know that I am responding to TLG's needs in one way, just like I responded to TB's when he was a baby*, but I feel like I am less fun, less patient and less inventive when I haven't slept. Actually, it is more than a feeling, I know that I am less able to parent the way that I want to when I am chronically tired.

It was one thing to be this way when I just had The Boy, because I felt that the night time efforts evened out the difficulties of the day. But now the way that The Little Guy sleep also affects The Boy because he has to deal with a less than energetic, and sometimes downright grumpy Mombie the next day. And that doesn't feel fair to him.

And I can't do cry it out* because The Little Guy, like The Boy before him, builds stress while crying**, rather than releasing it and I really don't feel it would be the right solution for my family (YMMV). So for right now, I'm just living with the guilt. And I'm hoping that our upcoming vacation will help us figure out an approach (I'm thinking of using something like this.). And I'm using all my mindfulness techniques (except prioritizing sleep - that's not working so well) and I'm trying really hard to be more fun for the kids.

Cross your fingers for me.

* Don't even think about thinking about suggesting that I owe it to him to do it, or that I am just too wimpy to do the CIO thing. I've done more research on sleep than I did for my thesis, I've made my decisions and you do NOT want to take me on on this topic.

** I'm borrowing Moxie's phrasing here, she nailed this topic a while ago, check it out.

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So, one of The Man's Father's Day gifts was the PS2 game Guitar Hero. We gave it to him on Father's Day Eve (aka Saturday night) and he's been addicted ever since.

Compound that with the fact that we watched School of Rock a couple of times last week and the result is how we were awoken this morning:

The Boy: Dun dun dun dun dun, dundundundundun dun dun dun da

Mombie: Good morning, The Boy.

The Boy: I need Daddy.

The Man: (untranscribable sound)

The Boy: Daddy, I'm doing the notes, you do the words.

The Man: What?

The Boy: You know, Dun dun dun dun dun, dundundundundun dun dun dun da. I am Iron Man, dundundundundun dun dun dun da, Has he lost his mind, can he see or is he blind?

Do you think that explains my bizarre feeling of foreboding this morning?

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Hi All,

Despite reports to the contrary, I have not gone over the wall. I've had the following things going on: some serious weblog malaise (what 'voice' do I want to use here? what topics do I want to get into? et etc blah de blah pointless angst); some contract writing work; a serious lack of babysitting time; a sleepless 18 month old; good weather; and my sister moved in with me in early June* and we haven't gotten to hang out a lot in the last few months so I've been spending time with her.

Anyway, I should have more time in the next few weeks, so I'll be doing some more writing in here. Promise.

*She and her boyfriend broke up, pretty amicably, but it's her story not mine so I won't comment on it.

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In the comments of my last post on mindfulness Moe asked for more information on how I am putting it into practice.

Well, as always, I started by doing some reading. I can highly recommend Dojo Wisdom for Mothers by Jennifer Lawler, Mommy Mantras: Affirmations and Insights to Keep You from Losing Your Mind by Beth Casarjian, PhD and Diane Dillon, PhD and The Tao of Poop:Keeping your sanity (and your soul) while raising your baby by Vivian Elisabeth Glyck. They all have specific examples of how to make sure that you are parenting in the present rather than worrying about the future or regretting the past.

But as for the actual practice, I have mostly been trying to:

a) take a deep breath before responding to the kids when I'm frustrated

b) focus on doing one thing at a time (i.e. if I'm showering, I try not to let my mind wander, I think about the water on my back, the smell of the shampoo, the sound of the drops falling on the tub etc)

c) while I'm playing with the kids, I've been trying to stop thinking about the other things that "need" to be done (i.e. I try not to feel impatient while playing the repetitive games the kids love. Sure I have to do the dishes, but I'd rather play with the kids so why not be fully there?)

d) write down ideas as they occur, rather than trying to hold them in my head. I have a couple of index cards and a small pen in my pocket for this purpose.

e) make sleep a priority so my concentration levels are higher

I will have some more to say about this as time goes on. Perhaps I'll do a big comparative post about the three books listed above, and I'm planning to buy Mindful Parenting by John and Myla Kabat-Zinn, so I'll probably throw that into the mix too.

Oh, and I bought John Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are* which is also about mindfulness, but I think I flunked being mindful that day because I was reading about how important it is not to do anything else while you eat, to just focus on the taste and texture of the food, but meanwhile I was reading the book while eating breakfast. I guess that it why it is mindfulness 'practice' and not mindfulness 'perfection', it's a work in progress.

* I hate to tell anyone I'm reading this one because even thought the book is great, the title sounds like one of those jokes about 1970s new age fads (I'm okay, you're okay, he's okay, are we okay? and so on).

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My beloved and beautiful friend K. will be officially divorced from her lying, cheating, thief of a husband as of 12pm today.

Take that,Dave, you jackass!

Thanks to Jen at MUBAR for helping me sort out my thoughts on this issue. Have you noticed that Jen rocks?

I think of myself as a feminist (obviously!) and I try to support other people's choices and to make sure that my own choices are informed by feminism (and that they are indeed choices rather than cop-outs or the easy route) but when I read a lot of feminist weblogs*, I come away feeling both down and delusional. And that in itself makes me feel very down, but not so delusional. I have to wonder if creating a vision of a more equal society is so overwhelming that it is just easier to draw lines in the sand to determine who gets to call themselves feminists and who is deluding themselves and hence upholding the status quo.

I resent that a lot of feminist writers online seem to be laying down the laws of feminism under the guise of exposing patriarchal evils. And I'm not sure that stuff like wearing make-up means that I'm buying into my own oppression. I mean, I have an MA in anthropology, I like to think I have a fair idea about how cultures work and how change happens and I'm not sure that making me feel like this is moving our culture any further ahead.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether to stop reading, wallow in my own possible ignorance and still be happy, or to stop calling myself a feminist, or what? I can't tell if I'm feeling a 'righteous' anger at another group of people telling me how to live or if I'm feeling guilty for not living up to my own ideals. And I don't want to start living a life full of anger, to fulfill ignorant stereotypes of feminists by jumping on every little thing everyone does or says. I think being a feminist is making one's own way in the world, not accepting the limits that others put on you because of your gender. I think I'm fighting the system from within, but perhaps I'm fooling myself and just buying into the system. And if I am, do I want to know it?

I don't know if the fact that my husband essentially supports us while I keep our lives running and make a little money from my writing is somehow providing a bad example for my kids, or if I'm being a bad feminist. I don't mean to get all Hirshman-y** here or anything, I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that my choices may be supporting the status quo. I'm really just trying to do what is best for my family and this system is working for us. I get to follow my dreams to write and volunteer and organize and be the primary daytime parent and my husband gets to follow his business dreams and thoroughly enjoy the kids when he gets home. This arrangement keeps us all in a mostly stress-free zone and that is important to both of us. I feel like I'm living in a fairly equal relationship, that my husband and I are partners in this game, but when I read some of the anger and frustration out there, I start to feel antsy, like perhaps I'm fooling myself into being happy.

I guess I’d like to be absolved of feminist guilt, to be let off the hook for letting the team down. Or better yet, to be told that I am not copping out. Is it even fair to take parents of small children to task for their daily lives?

I don't feel that I'm letting the team down, I'm living my life in the way I wish to (a privilege of not having to rely on two incomes to survive), and I know that I could make a lot more money with my writing if I chose to focus on that right now. I just don't feel that I should do that just for the principle of the thing. I chose to follow this lifestyle so I could focus on my kids for these few years and shifting my focus to making money, just to prove that I can, would be going against that. I’m not buying into the idea that my worth is simply and directly related to my financial power, and I don’t believe that acting contrary to my nature is going to make me a better, more useful person.

I really want to keep my eyes on the big picture (I *am* a big picture type of person) which is that the problems that everyone faces in our society are systemic and that blaming individuals for a systemic problem just divides people with (mostly) common interests. I’ve seen this same problem in lots of movements, arguments about who belongs, who is more deserving, who will get the rewards.. If we are going to have a groundswell of people clamouring for change, we need to get past arguing amongst ourselves.

*I’m not linking to anyone in particular here because I’m talking about a general feeling that I frequently get, rather than the specifics on one weblog.

** I refuse to give a woman who discounts the work of a lot of other women the benefit of more visitors to her website (if she gets enough, she’ll end up with support for a book deal, and I don’t want to contribute to that), so instead I’ll link to Andrea’s excellent (as always) summary of Hirshman’s position.

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I can remember talking with The Man years ago about how my mind was always racing. He seemed to be able to work on a single thing at a time, I was constantly working a number of things at once. It was irritating but at the same time I was proud of it. I could be working on a paper for university, and plans for the weekend, things I had to do for other papers and some story ideas would all be percolating at the same time. The downside was that ideas on the other topics would burst through my concentration and it would sometimes take me a long time to get my main project done.

So even as I was proud of being able to multi-task, I was frustrated by my own work pattern. At one point, my mom suggested that I should keep a blank piece of paper nearby so I could jot down the distracting ideas and get them out of my head so I could keep my focus. It was a partial solution, it helped a little, but what has really helped, ironically, was motherhood.

Sure, motherhood comes with its own set of distractions, and it requires me to multi-task, but it also makes me want to hold on to each day very carefully. Trying to manage both has lead me to reading up on mindfulness, a way of being 'in the moment', to stop thinking aobut the future and the past all at once and try to live in the now.

So I'm practicing, trying to figure out ways to get my racing thoughts and endless to-do lists organized on paper so I don't have to let them distract me now, and I'm learning how to relax into the moment at hand, no matter what is happening.

Sure, I still have my eye on the future, and I'm still learning from the past, but I'm really trying to fully live every crazy moment of having two little kids vying for my attention at once. I'm sure I'll miss it when they're grown.

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Two stories:

So, way back in October I had to bring The Boy to be registered for kindergarten. I had The Little Guy in my arms and he kept trying to grab my pen while I wrote so the teacher doing the kindergarten registration offered to hold him for me. I'm wary about letting random people hold my kids, but seeing as I was in an elementary school I figured it would be safe, so I handed TLG over and wrote quickly. TLG was being his typical baby self, looking around at the coloured things on the wall, watching people go by and so on. I say "Hold tight, he's very curious. " and she replies "Of course he is, he's a little boy."

Last week, TB was at reading time at the library and afterwards all the kids were given pictures of frogs (the topic of the day) to take home to colour. I happened to notice that the girls were given frogs with lipsticked lips and hair bows while the boys received regular frogs.

Now, I'm certain that neither the teacher, nor the person who selected the colouring sheets meant anything serious in either of these interactions but they still bother me.

Aren't all babies curious? Why associate it with gender? And is it positive or negative to have it associated with boys? What would she do if she came across a curious girl or an incurious boy? Would they be judged, or treated differently because of that attribute (or lack thereof)?

Couldn't all the frogs have been ordinary? Then all the kids who wanted to glam them up could do so easily but the kids who just wanted a regular frog would have been fine too. And what about if a boy had wanted one of the 'girl' frogs? or if a girl didn't? Well, I'm pretty sure the librarian would have been find with the 'switching' but she would like have found it odd enough to comment on.

And I don't want to be the person who brings this stuff up all the time, it's tiring. But at the same time, I don't like this stuff to run unchecked.

I guess I have to choose my battles, and I've already lost my chance with both of these.

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