Measurable Brain Activity

One of my Dropped Threads

I have been re-reading a collection of essays edited by Carol Shields and Marjorie Anderson, called Dropped Threads. It is their theory that due to the nature of generational differences, the invisibility of many of women's experiences and the difficulties in communicating emotions that are not shared, there are dropped threads in the fabrics of many women's lives. These dropped threads are experiences that they have no context for, because despite the fact that others have experienced these things, they didn't or couldn't talk about them.

I have a number of these sorts of gaps in my knowledge, but I'm not really willing to discuss some of them here. One I can talk about however, it the challenge of being pregnant while having a toddler. No one told me about the differences in emotion and experiences between a first pregnancy and a second, the type of exhaustion, the occasional ambivalence, the concern for my first child and the fear for my second. And of course, the fear for myself.

The first time I was a lot more scared overall, it was all uncharted territory and the unknown was very frightening. I had things I wanted to know but I didn't know what to ask to get the answers. It didn't help that my doctor at the time was very threatened by questions and all she would tell me when I asked was that I was reading too much. Add to that the fact that I was the first person in my family or group of friends to have a baby in about 10 years so I had no cognitive group to reassure me. As usual, I was leading the charge and I felt very lonely. But yet, I was also very excited. I felt like I was doing something very important every day, I felt purposeful.

This time, I'm a lot more blase about the whole thing. After all, I'm used to feeling like my work is important now, I have a very cool (almost) 3 year old. I mean, I was very excited to find out I was pregnant and I'm enjoying myself but the aches and pains are less frightening and more tedious. And I enjoy having each stage done with. I was glad to see the end of the nausea - thinking 'well that's the last time I have to do that!' and I'm glad to be approaching my third trimester. I'm looking more at this pregnancy as a means to an end rather than being as thrilled by the journey.

And I already know what the end brings, and I know about the months (possibly years!) of sleeplessness and I worry about the impact on The Boy. It was one thing to have an infant when I could follow his sleeping pattern, but now I worry about depriving The Boy of quality Mommy time because of the new arrival. And I wonder how I will cope with having to deal with two kids' schedules. And I know that people have been doing it since time immemorial but I'm not concerned with how they coped, I'm concerned with how I will. And will Newbaby suffer because I won't have the same sort of time to indulge him with?

I find myself wondering from time to time if this was such a great idea. I can't get on the floor to play with The Boy without a lot of effort, I can't let him crawl all over me like he's used to, and I'm tired and sometimes short tempered. And this is even before Newbaby arrives.

And The Boy only started sleeping through the night when I was two months pregnant, so I'm only now starting to get back to my normal mental capacities, at least where creativity and organization are concerned and I fear starting over again in December. Will I have another 2.5 years of coping but not advancing? The thought is terrifying. It might have almost been better to still be sleep deprived so I wouldn't even think about it until Newbaby starts sleeping through the night.

No one told me how hard it is to be pregnant when you have a toddler, how difficult it is to lift them, to cuddle them, to do the same dance 10 times in a row. How hard it is not to be able to indulge yourself in a nap or a walk when you feel like it. How hard it is to start to broaden your focus from one child to two, even before the second one arrives. I'm scared that I can't do this, that I don't know how to be a great mom to two kids, that The Boy will always hold a bigger place in my heart than Newbaby, that I will never write again after December.

Intellectually I know that the first kid doesn't really get deprived in a healthy family, and that siblings are a good idea. I know that the second time you experience something isn't going to be as breathtaking as the first, but I wish someone would/could have let me know all of these things. To let me know that I'm not a mutant, that it's hard but it turns out okay.

Anyone?

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