I organized a class party for The Boy's kindergarten class last week and it went really, really well. I was very proud of myself and the kids and adults had a great time. I didn't do it alone, of course, but I was the co-ordinator and I made sure all the essentials were covered.

Planning events like that comes naturally to me. I could put together a party for a hundred people in a couple of hours if need be. But like most of my skills, I tend to assume that if I can do it ANYONE can*.

Anyway, after the party I had this conversation with another Mom in which she commented on how organized I am. And after I picked myself up off the floor where I had collapsed in laughter, I told her how last week I had drafted my friend Jan to help me fold the mountain of clean laundry at my place and how I haven't been able to let anyone into my rec room in months and how I can't seem to keep ahead of things at all.

I don't feel at all organized.

But all she had to say was that I must be like the plumber who never fixes a leak in their own house, or like that old saying about how the shoemaker's children go barefoot.

And I realized that she is partially right, but there is more to it that that. The thing is, I am REALLY good in a crisis, or in a fixed situation. That was one thing I liked about when I was pregnant with the boys, I knew exactly what my priorities were, I could plan for a variety of possibilities (prepacking a bag, knowing where my insurance card was etc etc) and even if things didn't go according to plan, I could still take pleasure in what I had prepared.

It's a similar thing with a party, my goal is clear, there are a lot of variables I can control and I can make a good contingency plan that will cover most everything. And I think really well on my feet (I *am* an improv coach after all).

However, day to day life with two kids while managing a household while juggling freelance writing and an arts organization and a theatre company is very different. I have a lot of different priorities and it is hard to decide which should take precedence at any given moment. And that issue is complicated by the continuous needs of a 2 year old and a 5 year old - it is hard for me to juggle their immediate needs with their long term needs, and it is VERY difficult for me to make long term plans while dealing with the day to day.

So apparently, while I *do* have organizing skills, they are very specific, and most useful in well-defined situations. But since I have them, perhaps my problem is in translating from the 'crisis' mode of a party to the bigger, day to day type of organizing.

Yep, there's a whole lot of figuring going on over here these days.

*Nice self-deprecation there, huh? It's not that I am putting myself down, it's that I assume that is a skill you can learn as opposed to something that you were born with.

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I know I have said that I was having a hard time before, and I was. But those hard times were dealing with one particular thing or another and this hard time has been long lasting. I thought I was treating the problem each time, but I was just treating symptoms. And this time, my revelation feels very satisfying - like I have FINALLY figured out something big, in its entirety.

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When The Boy was smaller, I had some difficult days. Days when the lack of sleep made me fear I was going crazy, when I despaired of ever sleeping again. But overall, his personality was a good match for a sleep-deprived Mommy. Sure, he sometimes wanted more attention than I had the energy to give, and I often felt that I wasn't giving him the things I *should* but I was giving him what I *could*. And because he was the kind of kid who would sit in his high chair and play with water forever if I let him, or who was happy to sit on my lap for ages, and is happy to let me do things for him (there's a downside there, but that's not what this is about), I was able to manage. The challenges in parenting The Boy were largely mental, trying to figure out how to challenge him, and how to get him to try new things.

Then I had TLG. And I thought the issue was just my inability to balance the needs of two kids. And it is partly that, it was a challenge for me to be needed so intensely in two directions at once. I have enough trouble focusing as it is, trying to focus mentally on TB while focusing physically on TLG was terribly difficult. And then when TB started to get more physically oriented and wanted me to run around more, and TLG started wanting me to figure out what he needed (once we got beyond the basics), then they both needed physical AND mental effort from me. That felt like almost too much to ask of this Mombie, especially while I was still nursing AND still not getting a lot of sleep.

Then a little while ago, I was able to give up breastfeeding and eventually I started getting some more sleep (still not enough but better than it was). And I got to go away overnight with The Man and just take a break from being on-duty constantly for the past 5.5 years (Thanks Neece and Dan!). But I still felt exhausted, it still felt like I was slipping, that it was all too much for me.

And that was heartbreaking, because I felt I just needed to figure out the trick that would let me handle this. Like the resource I needed was just out of my reach. But I just couldn't seem to get my groove back. And I really didn't feel like the issue was more time off, or more time away. It just felt like I was screwing up, like TLG was going to wear me out entirely.

And I didn't want to talk about that. Because he is not a bad kid. He's a great kid. (And so is TB, but it felt like it was TLG who was tipping the balance.) He's a typical toddler in many ways that TB was not, he's poky and demanding and he wants to do everything himself and he pushes every boundary he's ever encountered. All of these things will serve him well when he is older, but for me, combined with lack of sleep, it was all too much. And he NEVER takes a break, he is steady go 24/7, and he wants me, me, me all the time.

Yet, even as I recognized the challenges I was facing with him, I was reluctant to write and complain about him, because it is not his fault. He is being a normal type of kid.

And I knew somehow that this was not my fault either, I am doing the best I can.

But I was still drained, utterly lacking in energy, with little or no creative juice left. And I couldn't figure out what to do.

Then, somehow on Friday, all of the personality tests and success books I have been reading converged and I had a revelation.

I was right. The problem is not TLG.

And I was wrong. The problem is not me.

The problem is that the things that TLG needs from me are hard for me to give. But I give them anyway, and to have energy for that I have to draw energy from other parts of my brain. And that included the part of my brain that generates my creativity, and my ability to plan effectively, and the part that lets me keep my situation depression at bay.

So the problem is not that TLG wants to sit on my lap all the time. It is that he doesn't just sit, he stands on my legs and holds on to my hair. And he wants to eat that way too. It isn't that he wants to sleep next to me, it is that he wants to sleep on my chest, with his forearm under his head, across my throat. It is that he seems to feel threatened when I concentrate on other things, so I have trouble checking ANYTHING off my to do list some days. It is that when I crawl around the living room to clean up, he STANDS ON THE BACK OF MY ANKLES. It is when I try to get him to nap, I have a half an hour battle with him twisting and arching in my arms*. He hardly ever sat in his high chair, he is not keen on the stroller and he is rarely still - it is hard to find a safe place to keep him for a few minutes so I can take a few deep breaths. He is an intense kid, and his kind of intense is a challenge for this introverted, claustrophobic Mombie to manage.

We're not a good match in that way**. And that's okay. My revelation was that I don't need to find a way to make him be "better" nor do I need to find a way to give more. What I need is to find a way to give him what he needs without drawing on the other parts of my brain. The problem is brain resource allocation, not failure on my part, or difficultness on his part. He needs what he needs, I need what I need. And I KNOW there is a way to balance both.

Especially now that I can ditch the bad feelings I have had about the whole situation.

Brain resource allocation.

That I can work on.

Anyone want to come over and let me kid stand on their lap while he eats?

*Before you get all uppity, don't give me that 'Well I wouldn't let MY kid away with THAT' shit. I am not a slacker, I teach my children discipline. I'm not letting him AWAY with anything, I have tried everything and some things you just have to wait out. But until this revelation, I wasn't sure I was going to make it through the waiting-it-out period with my brain in one piece.

**I think the things TB needed were just easier for me to take in stride, they came more naturally to me. TB and I have similar kinds of intensity - TLG's is foreign to me and takes different resources to work with. And it is hard for me to replenish those resources AND give him what he needs.

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The Boy's first year of school ends Thursday. I can't believe it is over already. After all my anxiety last September, he has matured by leaps and bounds this year, taking on new challenges and changing from my little boy to my great big kid. And I like it.

I know a lot of people dread the end of the school year, because they have to find ways to fill their days while entertaining heat-crazed children, but I am not one of those people. I am looking forward to Thursday, and being released from having our schedule dictated from the outside.

We're trying not to let the summer get away from us this year. I think it was Asha on Parenthacks who once suggested that when playing vacation time you should make a list of all the things you want to do, and then tentatively schedule the most important things, interspersed with days of doing nothing. That's our plan for the summer, scheduling get togethers, parties and vacations in between stretches of doing nothing.

Now if only the weather cooperates so we can spend our days OUTSIDE doing nothing, this summer will be fantastic.

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